number - ...

so, i had the best weekend, a night of watching a shweet band, dancing the night away with a very close friend of mine, making friends - 'jack jack, come back!' - getting pissed, and for a short sweet moment, loving life for what it was at the present time, not caring for the past (results) and not obsessing over the future (people, exams) 


Im sat in my bed, remembering the faces of last night, the new, the old, the laughs, the songs, the quotes. everything that made it the best it could be. especially 'bubba' who was my dance partner for the entire night. Looking back at it all, it just seems like a pretty dream, its so depressing to think that normal, everyday stressful life can make memories seem so far off. 
im back to my usually obsessions for the days to come, and its pulling me down like two bricks tied to my feet whilst im drowning. 
My best friend is, as i type, trying to convince me that truth is always the way forward… i think otherwise. It's like telling someone you like them; what you get in return will either warm your heart or burn your house down. I feel, if i were to be so straight forward, ill lose all my hope, my safety net, a growing friendship, and right now, thats all ive got. maybe i should, maybe i should grow up and jump in 2 feet first and put myself on the line… but vulnerability is the most frightening thing. what would you do?
we'll see, when the time's right.. maybe.


i think the finish lines a good place we could start, take a deep breath, take in all that you could want
- snow patrol

10. You know how time flies, only yesterday was the time of our lives

apologies for the long title, i couldn't come up with anything more fitting, that quote just seemed so appropriate.


Being back at school surrounded by nearly everyone i love - obviously missing a few - can sometimes fill your pillow with feathers. It's lovely to feel so content with where you are, friendship wise. Like the satisfaction of fitting that last piece of the puzzle and thinking, the picture is perfect and no one can take it apart, its exactly like the cover of the box and thats how it should be. But take your eyes off it for 1 minute and it only takes one piece of the jigsaw to get lost and ruin everything, sending all those feelings to the pit of your stomach. 
That's how i felt this evening, i received some upsetting information, and the centre piece of my puzzle was missing, and the feelings in my stomach made me want to be sick. I felt a brick in my throat, i wasn't sure if i wanted to vomit or cry. When you've spent so long on a puzzle and every ounce of your energy has been used to create that wonderful image on the packaging, to have it fall part so abruptly is shattering. I feel like a child, holding all the little pieces of my jigsaw puzzle in my hands, and only one piece is missing, the thought of not being able to complete it, make me feel as though, what's the point. But this isn't a puzzle, this is life. I wish it was as simple as finding the missing piece, but it's not. However, it is as simple as destroying a friendship as it is losing a piece of a puzzle. 


'You know how time flies, only yesterday was the time of our lives' - it's true. Only today was a frolicking around singing and joking with school friends making a great time of a dull day, and it took seconds to kill that. 
Months to build a house minutes to bring it to the ground.


Earlier on, i blogged about friendship and how you have to make sacrifices to be a good friend, make sure its worth all the energy, heart ache and dedication before you even consider being a, 'good friend'.


Nothing compares, no worries or cares, regrets and mistakes, they're memories made, who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? 
- Adele


Eff x

9. Turning on the alarm o'clock again

So, it's been quite a while bloggers, let me bring you up to date. I left you after my wonderful day out with my best friend in London and my model shoot.. oooo ahh. Let's do this in a tidy chronological order:

Thursday 

Well, haha where do i start. This was the day of my 'infamous' tourist antics with bubbaloo. We went up to London, had breakfast at Bills in covent garden (recommend it - best eggs and soldiers and sausage sandwiches with little red pots of tea) the day consisted of Ripley's believe it or not (there was an upside down room, a mirror maze, giant rocking chair, whales foreskin the size of a person, torture methods from medieval times.. just mental overall) Ed's diner, cheesy photos, the London aquarium, barclay bikes and traditional afternoon tea. This day of crazy fun made me realise how incredible it feels to just go on a trip with a good friend and enjoy what places have to offer, break the cycle of your day to day lunches and coffees in the same seat, the same pavement and same route. Go and be spontaneous, stop chasing your tail in circles, you'll start being sick.

Friday

The friday evening, i was stranded on the front door steps of my best friends house, serenading her with a portable piano and a rose in my mouth… no. She didnt organise when to meet, so whilst i sat on her steps fighting off pneumonia, she was racing home from westfield. We then went to London for my other best friends birthday dinner at hakkasan, which as usual was stupendous. I got sufficiently trashed as we were kicked off our table at 10 and i took the liberty of mine sweeping the table, regretting it deeply as i stumbled to the bar to join everyone. After everyone had gathered together and said goodbye to my friend and her colleagues, we jumped in a cab. A rather entertaining ride if i remember, there were laughing fits, musical chairs, horrific backward spelling on the steamed window and sonic sounding sneezing. We arrived at aura dance the night away pissed in a cubicle that had two toilets in it, the epitome of invasion of personal space. i then stayed in London with my Best best friend.

Saturday

…...cotching

Sunday

Went to Westfield with a friend and played the 'would you' game, very entertaining in a place of such enormity. Also found that i would hate to be a customer at the shop i work at, i would spit on its floor and walk away in disgust. Toxic fumes filling my lungs, squeezing through bodies of the general public walking from cramped room to another cramped room. How do people do it?

Monday

School, english coursework… damn. 

Not quite sure what i learnt from the antics of the last half of that week, apart from the fact that i am the luckiest girl to have the friends that i do. They are what keep me on my feet, drag me out of bed in the morning, walk with a smile on my face and whistle a new song for every new morning. I'd be lost without them all, like a sky without it's stars. 

Hold onto your friends, they are living proof that someone is always to catch you when you fall, even if you dont realise your half an inch from the edge. 

Listening when you talk, running by you side, wiping your tears, hoping you'll do the same for them two. 

We’re only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind

Hard to control when it begins - The Naked and Famous

Eff x 

8. It's In The Spirit Of It All

Today, i spent hours and hours with my best friend, eating, enjoying the high flying end of london, watching over a photo shoot for vogue and walking two stunning dogs, it couldn't get much better. 


Excitingly, I got to model the clothes for the shoot and have a lot of people make quite a fuss over me, which, well i ain't gonna lie, was pretty fun. Even if i looked like a twelve year old rice paddy farmer, flown over from Bali for a feed the children ad campaign, none the less, it's in the spirit of it all! Could be the beginning of a beautiful career and wheel barrows of cash that i would bathe in, attempting to re-create a cliche image of greed. NAWT. When good things happen - like the chance to model for the vogue website - and fall into your lap quite unexpectedly, wrap both your arms round it and suffocate it with passion... Any less, and you might regret it.


There are some life lessons i would like to share with you from todays adventures..
1. If you are broke, harrods pizzeria is like a poor persons money tree, non existent.
2. My best friend attracts arabs, male and female.
3. Cocorosie, has got it right (by my side).
4. Lurcher dogs are the way forward.
5. Fast food servers don't like it when you count out small change.


All that aside, i must get some beauty sleep as i have a big day tomorrow, its min and my friends tourist day out in London, and we have a big day planned out. Sleep tight.


I'll always be by your side
Even when you're down and out
I just wanted to be your housewife - Cocorosie


Eff x

7. Love You Less

I woke up this morning, turned on the radio (Xfm - as per usual) and to my delight they were playing the Kaiser Chiefs, love you less. I deemed it considerably appropriate and would like to thank Xfm for publicly expressing my thoughts on this god forsaken day. 


I received the usual quadruple digit amount of cards today, Bruno Mars's love letter being right up there; loving me just the way i am and catching those grenades that are so frequently thrown at me. He's a keeper. 
Whilst skimming through my endless letters of admiration, i quietly sipped at my mulled wine, read my book and enjoyed a bubble bath. 


       Overwhelmed with the love, my parents then decided it would be such a great idea to go out for dinner, but not just any dinner, an Italian. They might have just sent me to a caribbean couples retreat. Good God it was one slit wrist closer to hell. The place was crawling with couples, an infestation of disillusioned dick weeds stuffing their gobs with a platter labelled, scallops Valentine or papaya amore. The three of us stuck out a relative amount, joined with the trio sat in the corner, a suspicious group consisting of two middle aged birds dolled up, sat starry eyed in front of a hugh heffner figure. I felt slightly disturbed as he waved them both out the door with a dirty 'im getting layed tonight' grin on his face. 
I tell you what, it was intriguing to assess the tables, you could tell which people emerged from their pigeon holes on 'special occasions' they were the people who sat in complete silence slumped over their plates, amazed at the food gracing their tables, and at the end, using their grubby paws, would pick the left overs from each others plates. A peculiar sight. 


Anyway, its pretty easy to establish the economic aid such holidays produce. Businesses milk it, and as they should. But even though, as a nation we know this (some more than others) we still stride round wearing the slogan on our sleeves, 'Happy Valentines Day'. Anything to lift our spirits after the ever so depressing month of January. I mean think about it, Valentines day is the only aspect that makes February so bearable, it's too cold to call spring and means summer just isn't the short distance we convince ourselves it is. Valentines day is just another distraction, and we thrive off distractions (what do you think this blog is, for gods sake)
Hate to say it, but somehow this day is a necessity.


The stars can't feel a lover's touch, the kiss that makes your body rush - Jack Penate. 


Eff x

6. Im punching in my dream breathing life into my nightmare

Saturday after work, I enjoyed a surprise mall raid with a work colleague, and i couldn't have planned a better afternoon. We went into Anne Summers and made fun of a couple (who were barely legal) mulling over which outfits to buy. I picked up a lace number next to them indicating to my friend, 'darling this would look wonderful on you'..  in turn followed with... 'but i prefer something edible' which frightened the kiddies a little, tehe. We then played in the disney store, drank smoothies, and assessed our cousin shop, hollister. 
That day on the train home, a guy made my day without realising it. I was sat holding a heart shaped box (gift for a friend) he looked at me before getting off the train and said 'happy valentines day'.. smiled and got off. It made me realise how much the little things effect people. You could make someone's day by just wishing them a good day, or in spirit of tomorrows festivities, a happy valentines day. Thank you strange (and good looking) man.


I spent the night with my beautiful 'cutie' - "Blasians Unite!" - we ate crap and watched Eat Pray Love, that film made me realise how much we concentrate on the perfect balance. We spend our lives making sure we have work balanced with pleasure, always making everyone happy, teachers, friends family.. but never stop to think about ourselves - sometimes inner happiness helps to average out everything else we frantically worry about constantly. But then again, we are so caught up in our mind, thinking so desperately about every little detail, in turn leading us to think ever so deeply on subjects which don't need such close attention and instead that spark of spontaneity and passion. We tread so carefully through our thoughts, its holding us back from getting on with life! But this is deemed 'okay' through out society, its the 'mature' way to approach things allegedly. But society, this obscene number of people are all hypocrites. They sit there and tell us to grow up, approach a situation with dignity and a sense of responsibility, then will turn around and say, 'learn from your mistakes', how are we meant to do that if we are so terrified of making mistakes? It would be better to make them sooner than later, no? 
Thinking in such depth is like punching in a dream and breathing life into a nightmare. 


Valentines day - a friend lectured me about my ridiculous need to sit in my own self pity on this day. But i still can't help thinking why it is taken so seriously then? Maybe if, as a whole, it wasn't considered as such a landmark of a holiday, the solo people will feel less inclined to feel shit. 
Unfortunately i wont be enjoying a day out in London as my friend has gone to Devon, the day has been rescheduled to thursday. So it will be ice cream, movies and my mother. An image labeled, depression. 


And in faith i left you to it, that's what they sing in the shadows - Maccabees 


Eff x

5. Keep Calm And Carry On

I won't bore you with my day, as it consisted of a countdown (HALF TERM). But, recently today, i fell in love with chris brown and his beautiful pelvic thrusts - youtube chris brown take you down powerhouse... BREATH TAKING.

To day, i had an epiphany. We create so much stress for ourselves, and it is completely unnecessary. I've had a hard week, but to my surprise... i actually came out alive. I could have done without the tears, tantrums and tiffs which now i think about it, could have been completely avoided had i just followed my head and not complained about the objectives i was setting myself. 

I understand how difficult it is to take your own advice.. its almost impossible, but it isn't difficult to follow your own instructions, you do it every milli second of everyday. But saying that.. feelings are feelings, they're the pollution of the brain. Being girls, we are over whelmed by emotions constantly, and let those emotions swallow us whole, because we don't know what else to do, and we always question whether the opposite sex feel the same. But come to the conclusion that they don't because all they want to do is 'get some gash'.. are we any different though, always thinking of the fit guy - but being girls - still managing to convince ourselves that we aren't shallow like that. I'm sure the majority aren't, but we are so besotted with types... blonde brunette tanned buff... could that not be classified as a form of shallowness, maybe not. Don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to degrade women kind.. just raising a thought.

Anyway, the point was, Keep Calm And Carry On, because that is all we can do sometimes - boys, exams, family, being a teenager, can drive you to insanity. It's alright to stop and breathe and say 'i'm not worried about that, lets carry on', it's just giving yourself a break. 

This evening i made the huge mistake of watching peter pan, love the film, love peter.. but i realised - which severely upset me - that im too old for neverland, im a grown up, i cant fly and i will never get to neverland. 

I dont know why, but it genuinely took me back a little, i guess i realised that i have to get on with it, i am growing up. 

Neverland is out there, i just missed my chance.. so lets not miss out on life. 

Endless universe sat in front of me, some say Earth's a tiny obscurity - Jack Penate 

Eff x